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Soundtrack To My Life by Eric
aka leftyjlaj
The first time I heard TORMENTED that's exactly what I was. It was an Internet leak. Sorry guys. But at the time it was
the only way to hear the album, that I knew of. I was another lost teenager caught in the grip of a heroin addiction. Homeless
and without love I was attracted to the hostility on the cd. The anger that was expressed in the album verified how I was
feeling at the time. When I listened to it I felt like someone could identify with me, which at the time I thought was impossible.
It also gave me a sense of release. The first time I heard 4 walls I was dope sick and cried for hours. It felt like the first
time I had cried in years. It almost felt good to cry. I put the song on repeat at a friends house and embraced the sadness.
Then came prison. Relief.
Couple years later. New home. A pay-by-the-week hotel, an
eight dollar an hour job, no heroin, and the DYSFUNCTION cd. Relief. This is when I knew that Staind would be a part of my
life forever. Every song was like a soundtrack to my life. Anyone who has battled with addiction knows that when you stop
your feelings are torn. You feel the same hostility and anger. But you also feel insecurities, shame, with a little twist
of hope. That is dysfunction. The wave of emotions. Finally I could express some other feelings thanks to songs like ME and
HOME. Those two songs summed up my identity at the time. I hade never heard someone be able to scream like all the ugliness
in the world, just to back it up with singing that can only be described as beautiful. I fell in love.
I had been clean from heroin for a couple years and starting to feel more hope and less fear. Started to feel some love. Found
some people to give it to. Started to grow up. Welcome BREAK THE CYCLE. The title alone was the title to the chapter in my
life. This part of my life was the most confusing. More confusing than being a heroin addict. One day you feel gratitude and
hope. Next day you want to rip someone's fucking head off. Only to be followed up with a day where you just feel insecure
and somewhat worthless. But this album had a song for each of those days. I couldn't believe that this band, this
singer/songwriter seemed like he was going through the same thing at the same time as me. It became an obsession an addiction.
Waiting to hear the next album. Waiting to hear that someone else felt the same way. That I was not alone. That it was ok
to feel like I was feeling. Waiting to see if it was ok to be me.
Still clean. Better job. Helping
others stay clean. Found love. I began looking at life through different eyes. I was able to put closure to some things. 14
SHADES OF GRAY. Once again….. my life…. on cd. Identifying with the gratitude of SO FAR AWAY. Couldn't believe
my life was getting as good as it was. Some people say that this was there least favorite album by Staind. This was actually
one of my favorites. Very misunderstood. Aaron began to express mature feelings. I felt like I was evolving just like Staind's music
and Aaron's lyrics were. ZOE JANE made it acceptable to be a father. To miss your family. FILL ME UP made it ok to
give the woman in your life credit for standing by you and helping you grow. And when you get scared and insecure you put
on BLOW AWAY and feel the emotions. And, of course, R.I.P. LAYNE.
Then I found my wife. Made a home
with her. Continued to grow and evolve. The anticipation killed me. Thank god for concerts. But finally CHAPTER V. This brings
me to where I am today. Some sanity. Clarity. Relief. A beautiful daughter. Gianna Marie 6/12/07. Thank you Staind. Thank
you Aaron. Thank you for telling my story. Thank you for making me feel like it was OK to be me. Thank you for helping me
battle addiction. Thank you for helping me put closure to many issues that I thought I would die with or from. Thank
you for letting me know I can be a dad. Something I never had. She is my angel. Thank you for fun times at shows. Thank you
for giving me the opportunity to meet friends through your music. Thank you for expressing your feelings when I didn't
know how. Thank you for making me feel comfortable to be me. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. I can't say thank you enough.
See you August 27th in Baltimore at Rams Head Aaron. Got the VIP tickets. My wife wants to meet you. I may act
like a groupie so excuse me. I may also try to pass you this letter. I apologize. You have been able to tell me, along with
all your fans, what we have done for you. And I would just like the same opportunity to tell you everything you've done
for me.
Thanks again Lisa. You're great!
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This was posted on Staind.com by a fan "Henry"
most of you know him as "DoNeHaM86" on the message board. I enjoyed reading this so much I asked him if
I could post it here for everyone to enjoy.
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This Staind in Me
Rock
bands have come and gone since the start of the music genre. Beginning as a style of music misunderstood by parents and loved
by the younger generation. For some bands it is the opportunity to purely make money, obtain all the drugs, and drown in the
fame of a rock star. Unfortunately for those bands, their careers start to diminish upon their start, leaving no memories
or permanent footprint in music history, just the forgotten one hit wonder. For the few true bands who manage to break through
the cycle and do it for nothing more than expressing themselves and making real music, their struggle is one to be heard and
never forgotten. One such band that has reached to millions is Staind, the Massachusetts based band consisting of Aaron Lewis,
Mike Mushok, Jon Wysocki, and Johnny April. They have opened the minds of many in a more recently overflowing business of
meaningless music. It seems they were destined to reveal the world to a new light, as they create a very diverse and highly
connected fan base. Under classification Staind is found under post-grunge, hard rock, and alternative metal and rock, a combination
creating one general genre of fairly new American based music. Staind has grown to become a group of many colors and surprises,
today’s music world has changed drastically and the fight for recognition has become more difficult than ever, with
the majority of popular or main stream music holding no importance in their messages. For now Staind lives off their humble
ways and powerful messages that are appreciated by their incredibly loyal fan base.
The mid to late 1980’s
was a time of great confusion and anger for many of the young generation of the US. Pressured from a world that did not accept
their ways, looking for a path to follow, thus soon arose a style of musical expression called alternative metal. In ways
different from heavy metal this creation was not specific in any form, instead it began very loosely as bands moved away from
traditional metal ways and worked off different sources. Ian Christe describes the start of the genre saying “These
bands never formed a distinct movement or scene; rather they were bound by their incorporation of traditional influences and
openness to experimenting with the form, usually by way of their eclectic influences and uncommon approaches (Christe 2003).”
It all began around the mid to late 1980’s in the United States, branching off from alternative rock, free jazz, heavy
metal, punk rock, and a few others. The basis for instruments in an alternative metal band consists of a guitar, bass, and
drums. This music became a source of ventilation for these lost individuals. They were able to find others to connect with
through the power of alternative metal. The variety of bands from this genre expressed different messages which expanded the
fans into different sections.
Staind's small beginnings grew into what they are today thanks to their incredible
versatility and deep connection to the people in need of inspiration. The members of the band all share different pasts of
pain and use music as a source of expression, Mike Mushok explains in an interview saying “It’s also a positive
vent for some angrier emotions that myself and Aaron and the rest of the guys have… We tried to go out and do something
a little different (Lepage).” It is also the darker side that allows fans to relate and vent in the form of listening.
Their unique talents coincide and allow them to create a sound that people can relate to on many different levels, as Mark
Lepage explains “Lewis brings the pain without resorting to histrionics, and his band mates weave themselves throughout
the songs with concise shifts and remarkably sensitive dynamics (Leapge).” Their fans consist of both males and females
from the youth of their generation and beyond, and of not only America, but around the world.
They are still not
credited to the degree they should be, their work by today’s parents or critics is not taken for what it truly is, as
Hilburn explains “rock critics generally have been as slow as parents to notice that Staind may be helping rock turn
a page by showing that the young audience is ready to emerge from its decade of darkness (Hilburn).” In this aspect
they may be misunderstood, but it is the fans who have gained hope through this music. The song most commonly used to refer
to Staind would probably be “Its Been a While” the song that demonstrates the message they are trying to put out
there. According to Hilburn “The message is that it is possible to move beyond the issues of low self-esteem that sometimes
seem crippling to young people. The song’s narrator has reached a point where he has begun to see life in more positive
terms and accept responsibility for some of his past mistakes (Hilburn).” Those who have followed Staind have been able
to grow as the band has grown, out of darkness and into the light by taking in a new outlook on life.
The boys
of Staind hold a towering sense of humility and strength in their beliefs which has kept them together over the years, allowing
them to continually and successfully produce good music. By strictly staying true to the musical aspect, they are able to
ignore the added temptations and distractions that come with the fame of rock stardom. According to Joe Dempster “they’ve
always had a special ability to shut out most of their external pressures and distractions, an affinity for focusing on the
task-at-hand to detriment of virtually everything else in their seemingly troubled lives (Dempster).” It is one thing
to make hit songs and make a living, but to keep hold of your morals while climbing the social ladder is another thing. In
an interview Mike Mushok said “We try not to get involved with too much of the business side of things- especially when
we’re focused on being as creative as we can be (Dempster).” From this determination and loyalty they have been
able to work together for the past decade. By avoiding the abuse of technology (in an attempt to better the sound of music),
they stick primarily to what they naturally have. This allows them to be considered true musicians and not only prove they
have skill in their craft, but also have the ability to provide an extreme impact and memory full live performance upon every
concert.
Today
the ever changing popular or main stream music scene is drowning with computerized sounds and injuring vocal messages. The
battle for bands like Staind to get recognition and play time on the radio is now much more difficult, the music that is popular
consist of nothing more than a catchy beat and meaningless lyrics. Aaron Lewis comment’s in an interview saying “There
are a lot of artists out there, from the way Britney Spears dresses to some of Eminem’s talk about smacking [women]
and beating up girls that really don’t think about the impact they are having on these young, moldable lives (Hilburn).”
Staind is having a much tougher time trying to reach out to a wider audience with this immense obstacle of up-to-the-minute
main stream music.
Music is dying in the sense that it is deteriorating music of importance and value, and ultimately giving
the power of voice to people who say nothing of significance, but more so, damaging. According to Hilburn “One reason
Staind is easy to overlook is that its music isn’t artful in the way that meets the usual critical standards (Hilburn).”
This has caused a major shift in the voice of music; music itself is an incredibly powerful voice. Staind being them selves
can do nothing but be true to themselves and their music. Following the trend is not something they do. Aaron Lewis explains
his feelings about the matter saying “I think nobody cares [about Staind] anymore. No one wants to see videos from us
anymore. We’re not the hip flavor of the moment. We don’t wear jeans that are our sister’s, and we don’t
wear our hair purposely messed up. And we don’t hit our snare drum 500 times in one song. So we’re not what’s
cool right now (Harris).” Aaron touches several different problem areas in the music scene today. The music that is
popular now has attracted a new audience, has changed them completely. People do not realize how fake and harmful the new
trend is.
Staind's existence has been one that will truly never be forgotten by many who have been touched
by their music. Their words speak louder to some than others, but their message is impossible to ignore. They will continue
to produce musically as long as the fans still want to listen. Robert Hilburn explains saying “Staind is a standout
in dark rock not for its song craft, but for a straightforward style that speaks directly to fans (Hilburn).” It is
this voice that made them who they are today, and will ultimately keep them in the spotlight of fans hearts for years to come.
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I recieved these from Zoe they were taken at the Astoria in London, UK. March 8th 2006. |
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| Zoe with Jon and Johnny |
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| Zoe and Aaron |
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| Zoe and Mike |
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Zoe and
Aaron Leeds/Reading festivals & kerrang awards in 2001 at Astoria in London, UK |
I recieved these from Lee & Zoe they were taken on May 31, 2006 at the Nokia Theatre
in NYC. |
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I received these from Kim they were taken on November 23, 2005 at the Nokia Theatre in Dallas TX.
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| Aaron hugging Kim |
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| Kim & Staind |
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| How big was it Jon? |
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Here is a picture of Jordon that was taken
at the meet & greet on November 18, 2005.
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Jordon would like to say. "Hey guys, thank you for the best night of my life... I really enjoyed it, hope to see you guys
again. Thanks again!"
| Jordon & Staind |
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I received these from Corey they were taken on August 25, 2005 at the MN State Fair. This was Corey's
8th time seeing Staind. "Wow now that's what I call a real devoted fan" Not only was it Corey's 8th time
seeing them, He also got to meet them. |
Here are a few words from Corey. What made this Staind show so grand? Meeting the guys before the show and with that, I'm speechless. By far one of my life's brighter days! Two words for Staind: Thank You! |
| Corey & Staind |
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I received these from Erin
they were taken at the free concert in Boston on August 9, 2005. This was Erin's 3rd time seeing Staind in
a little over a year. She also attened the meet and greet and was able to get a picture with Aaron. The first
picture is Aaron with Erin and her friend Amanda. The second is Aaron and Erin's best friend Michael. Michael
is in the Staind Limited Edition Chapter V dvd holding his Boston postcard signed by the band. (28 seconds into the dvd) Erin and
her friends are again in the dvd after they show Staind's acoustic concert for the radio winners! |
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I received these from Elizabeth a huge
Staind fan from Prince George, VA.
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I received these from Shari they were taken on October 4, 2003 at the Norva in Norfolk, VA.
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I
received this letter from a fan named Ryan. His lifes' experiences have fallen on many hard times. His
words are so inspiring I wanted to share them with everyone.
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 Hi,
My name is Ryan Conroy. I'm
22 years old, and I just wanted to let you know you're site is awesome. I've been listening to Aaron for years now,
he's saved my life. I've literally had knives, bottle of pills, ETC in my hand, and his lyrics have always stopped
me from doing it. I finally got to tell him that he's saved my life at the show he did at Longmeadow High School. I came
up from college just to see him, and I definitely had a night to remember.. I had $60 seats with my friend, and they decided
to give us backstage passes for free. I'll never be able to thank the staff that work their enough, but it was truly amazing.
The show was awesome, but towards the end I began to get anxious about meeting Aaron.. I've met him before in Connecticut
at a Staind show. I met all the band members there, and I got their autographs. It was a quick thing though, and they went
down the line of people very quickly. This time I actually got an autographed poster, that was made to me personally. I asked
Aaron if I could talk to him for a minute, and he said he'd gladly talk to me after he was done signing.
I
waited around for about an hour, and I went back in. I got to hear Vanessa speak also, which was truely amazing. I shook Aaron's
hand again, and took a picture with him. He put his arm around me, and I did the same.. Aaron's such a cool guy, and just
knowing that he took the time to talk to me, and took a picture was something that I'll always remember. He also amazingly
enough remembered my face from the first time I met him, which just floored me because I only saw him for no more than five
seconds. I told him how he's saved my life, and or most of the stories I had... Most noteable was probably the time I
had a knife to my head, and I was going to stab myself.. I thought of Waste, and threw the knife across the room. I always
live on, and try to make all the shit I've been through positive. My life has been nothing but shit, but I can honestly
say if there was no Aaron Lewis, there'd be no me. He told me he was glad I didn't kill myself, and that the world
was a better place with me here. That sent chills down my spine that I'll never be able to describe for as long as I live.
I'm blind, so I obviously couldn't see his face, but God... I wish I could've.
It was just an awesome
night, and I got two autographs. The poster, and the VIP pass I got just for showing up. I can't stress what a great guy
Aaron is, and I can never explain what he means to me. I know every word to his songs, and I memorized the track listing for
every CD he's ever released. There isn't a bad Staind song that exists, and Aaron solo is never a disappointment.
There was always one thing I wanted to do, and that was tell Aaron how he's kept me here for years. I finally got to do
it, and it's changed something about me forever.. I feel like I've finally accomplished something.
Well,
again, I love your site, and I just wanted to tell you what I thought.. I'm going to paste a couple of writings I've
done, so you can realize what a crazy life I've had..
Take care,
Ryan C.
A memorable
moment is different for everyone. It can be a moment you remember because it made you sad, happy, sick, or it may have changed
your life forever. I can't say I have too many moments I like to remember, for my life has been a bumpy road from the
second I was brought on to this Earth. One thing that always haunts me though, and probably always will is my battles with
cancer. Every time I have something going for me, cancer seems to come back and strike me down again. This has happened to
me so many times, and it?s made me realize that anything can change at the blink of an eye. Something can always go wrong,
so I try not to get too happy with any positive things that may happen in my life.
My first battle with cancer
began when I was two years old. It might have been a little earlier, but I don't really remember it all too well. I was
a perfectly healthy baby, but as I neared the age of two, I began bumping into things. My mom found this very strange, so
she took me to the doctor. The doctor informed her that I had retina blastoma in both eyes, and it was in the very late stages.
The cancer had spread to my back, where the doctor had found three tumors. It was predicted that I had about six months to
live.
Over the course of the next three to five years, I went through hell over and over again. I had a Bone Marrow
transplant, Chemo Therapy treatments that almost killed me themselves, and even some radiation. I made it through all this,
and overcame everyone?s expectations. I was completely healthy again by the age of eight. It's really unbelievable now
that I look back on it.
Being in constant fear of dying at any second from age two to age seven, losing my hair,
losing my sight, are just a few of the things I had to deal with. Bone Marrow transplants are very intense. I had to wear
all kinds of things when I went anywhere, or when I touched anything. Gloves, masks, gowns, special shoes, hats, I was covered
from head to toe. I was the third person in the US to survive the type of treatment they gave me, and I have to say that's
quite an experience. I had a lot of losses, and I over came a lot of odds. It's great to look back on that, and know that
I survived it all. I had no idea that my battles with cancer were far from over though.
Being healthy for about
seven/eight years and reaching heights in my life I never dreamed of, cancer returned again. At the age of 15, I was living
a "normal," or close to normal life at high school. I was a natural athlete, wrestling champion, and had lots of
confidence. Sports were my dream, and I wanted to take them out into the world. I was also very intelligent, and I was always
on the honor role. Like being a healthy baby, this would soon change.
I was always into wrestling as a kid, but
never took it up as a hobby. When I did though, I was a star. One of the best wrestlers my school had ever seen, and I was
the champion for two years straight. I also took up other sports such as track, Goal ball, and swimming. I was an all-star
in all of them, but none of them would ever mean as much to me as wrestling did.
One day during wrestling practice,
I fell on my right knee pretty hard. It was something I'd normally get up like nothing from, but a pain that I've
never felt before shot through my leg. I had to stop, and I laid on the matt for about 45 minutes unable to move. When I finally
got up, I went right to the clinic in my school. They told me they thought it was a pulled muscle, but being an athlete for
so many years, I knew it was much more than that. I returned to the nurses and doctors several times, only to be shot down.
I was always a kid who didn't complain about anything, but the one time I did, they didn't listen to me. They didn't
allow me any x-rays, or anything.
I continued on for about four months, until February break finally came around.
At this point I couldn't walk, and there was a lump on the back of my knee about the size of a baseball. My mom rushed
me to the emergency room, where they took several pictures of my knee. They informed me that I had another tumor, and the
cancer was again in late stages. This cancer was called "osteosarcoma," and it was common for people to get this
case of bone cancer after having retina blastoma. It wasn't guaranteed that I'd have it, but unfortunately I did.
It may have not been as bad if my school had listened to my complaints, but that's only something I can look back on now.
I went through several more Chemo treatments, and I had to have my knee replaced. They luckily got all the cancer
out, but they ended up having to take a good amount of muscle from my leg. When they replaced my knee with titanium, my leg
would never be the same. I almost didn't make it out of surgery because they accidentally used soap on me that I am highly
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